MARY LOUISE KELLY, HOST:
As the year comes to a close, a lot of people take the opportunity to look back, maybe take stock of where they are and where they want to go. If it's been a difficult year, maybe also look for lessons and insights to carry into the new year. Ali Feller is a runner, host of the podcast "Ali On The Run," where she talks with other runners about, well, all things running. In 2023, she was diagnosed with breast cancer - invasive ductal carcinoma. At the same time, her marriage was ending. Feller spoke with our cohost Juana Summers about what it has been like to navigate her diagnosis.
ALI FELLER: Right now, it's nice to be on the cancer-free side of things, which is wonderful. But certainly, looking back to a year-and-a-half ago, I think it went from overwhelming to scary to, OK, let's deal with this thing, and then lots of sneaky emotions along the way, some sneaky trauma and grief.
JUANA SUMMERS, HOST:
How do you manage that overwhelm? I know, for me, when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, it can feel like the thing that's overwhelming me is the only thing in the room, the only thing that I can focus on, the only thing that I can think about. And yet, you have a job, you have a family. You have all these other things you have to navigate, so you can't let it consume you.
FELLER: Yeah. As much as I would have - you know, my immediate response to that is, oh, I cry. I love crying. I sit and cry. I cry all the time when I'm feeling overwhelmed. But you don't have that luxury if you have a job and relationships and a child, which my daughter was four when I was diagnosed. And so I didn't get to just sit around and cry. What I did do is I went for a lot of walks. And I'm a runner. Running has been a huge part of my life for a long time now, but for some reason, when I got this diagnosis, I just couldn't seem to find - not the will to run, but I was already going through this hard thing, and running is inherently hard. And I think it was just one more hard thing. And so I just slowed it down, and I started walking.
I remember the day of my mammogram and ultrasound, I didn't have a diagnosis yet, but we kind of had a sense that nothing good was going to come from that. And I went for an eight-mile walk. I remember it being really hot out. I remember sweating like crazy in May 2023 and just walking until I felt like I couldn't walk anymore. And so that was actually a practice that really stuck with me.
SUMMERS: And about those days where, you know, you don't feel like being strong, do you think there's merit in allowing yourself to just be out there and exist without putting on that brave face?
FELLER: Yeah. And, you know, that's something that I've thought about a decent amount. I don't care if people look at me and say, she's brave. I never got cancer to inspire anyone. I have a really fraught relationship with the word inspiring because all I've done, frankly, in the past year is survive. I've been in survival mode for a long time. So yeah, I don't know how I feel about the bravery side of things.
I think, for me, the only person that I cared about seeing me a certain way is my daughter. You know, her opinion is the one that matters, and all she needs is for me to show up for her and be her mom. And on the absolute worst days, I never stopped doing that thing. If I could do nothing else on any given day, I could get my daughter's lunch packed, and I could do her hair. And we could smile and enjoy the simplest moments together, even if then, I dropped her off at school and just crawled right back into bed, which I did plenty of times.
SUMMERS: There's something that you wrote a while back that has really stuck with me. You were writing about duality and how you've had these days in the last year-and-a-half wondering how low your rock-bottom could actually go. But also, you talked about these moments of tremendous joy that you've also had. And I wonder, is there one memory or one day that really encapsulates all that for you?
FELLER: Ooh, gosh. Great question - and there have been so many. One that comes to mind because it's this time of year - it was last December. And so at this point, I had just finished chemotherapy, like, three days prior. My daughter dances at the same dance studio now that I grew up dancing at, which is just a super special thing to watch, and it was her holiday show. And at the time, we were going through a divorce but still living together, which was very challenging for me. And so the arrangement for that day was that I would bring our daughter to her show. I would get her ready and do her hair and was so excited about that. And this was her first big dance performance on a stage, and so I was really looking forward to it, and so was she.
And so I brought her to the performance. She did amazing, and then it was her father's birthday that day. And so after the show, the plan was that she would go with him, and they were going to go out to dinner and celebrate his birthday, which is great. And I was like, oh, you know, to go from this wonderful high of you just finished chemotherapy, your daughter's dancing on the same stage that you used to dance on, and she loves it, and she's smiling, and she's having the time of her life, and you don't get to bring her home. But at the same time, I remember driving home that night and blasting music in my car and actually singing. And I was like, oh, I'm going to be OK. And it was the first time throughout all of this that I actually felt - not because someone else told me and not because anything magic happened - just, hey, there was a lot of beauty in this day today, and there's so much to celebrate. And that, I think, is also important, to have those days in the thick of it that remind us that we're going to be OK, even if we're faking it until we make it, which I did a lot of that, too.
SUMMERS: Ali, given everything that you've experienced lately, when the clock strikes midnight and we set into a new year, what are you going to be thinking about?
FELLER: Ooh. This one's going to be my year. Really all I can ask for and, you know, try to manifest in 2025 is I am looking for peace, ease and joy. And I will also say, you know, there's easy and hard parts of every day. There's - like you said, there's the duality in every single day. But coming to a close on this year looks so different than a year ago. A year ago, I was in that dark and scary place of really being in the thick of cancer, really being in the thick of divorce, feeling scared and sad and angry every single day at something. And now 2024 is ending, and there's still some of that. But my house is peaceful, and even on the hard days, I do feel happy every day, at least at some point. So, you know, I know I'm getting there.
There's a reason my daughter is named Annie. I am a very firm believer that the sun will, in fact, come out tomorrow. And so, yeah, I'm always hanging on to that, but I also can feel it. I feel the peace in my house. I can feel it in my body. My shoulders are dropped. Still a lot going on, still a lot that's hard, still a lot that's stressful - but in 2025, I am looking for peace, ease, happiness, joy and fun. I kind of think I'm in a fun era right now, and so I am enjoying that and chasing that.
SUMMERS: We've been talking with Ali Feller. She's the host of the podcast "Ali On The Run." Ali, thank you and Happy New Year.
FELLER: Thank you so much. Same to you.
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